


How To Give A Tour When Your New Co-Worker May Or May Not Be Human

by cuppydogcity



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half-Life
Genre: Comedy, Crack Treated Semi-Seriously, Gen, Light-Hearted, Pre-Canon, don't have to know half life lore to read this, eldritch comedy, ever so slightly uncanny benrey, gaming session (implied), slight implication of frat benrey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25774867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuppydogcity/pseuds/cuppydogcity
Summary: Barney checked his wristwatch. 10:47 - The new guy was supposed to be here at 10:30 for training. He sighed, and leaned his back on the wall, looking at the door. The fluorescent lights that lit up the whole facility seemed especially buzzy today, and the computer behind him threw up an error message every few minutes. He could feel the first few pangs of a migraine already start to set in. He could only hope the new guy didn’t cause him any trouble. The last person he’d trained had caused a chemical spill that they were still cleaning up, four months later.~~Barney gives a tour to the new guy.
Relationships: Benrey & Barney Calhoun, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta
Comments: 24
Kudos: 140





	How To Give A Tour When Your New Co-Worker May Or May Not Be Human

**Author's Note:**

> i was writing the next installment for 'it's a walk-along day' last night and i was about to go to sleep last night when i thought 'haha wouldnt it be funny if barney gave benrey a tour' and then it just hung around my brain until i wrote this in like two hours.. i really hope you enjoy!! <3

Barney checked his wristwatch. 10:47 - The new guy was supposed to be here at 10:30 for training. He sighed, and leaned his back on the wall, looking at the door. The fluorescent lights that lit up the whole facility seemed especially buzzy today, and the computer behind him threw up an error message every few minutes. He could feel the first few pangs of a migraine already start to set in. He could only hope the new guy didn’t cause him any trouble. The last person he’d trained had caused a chemical spill that they were  _ still  _ cleaning up, four months later.

“are we gonna go soon” said a very bored voice, somehow from behind him.

He spun around, and sure enough, the new guy was standing right there, right where Barney had been leaning. Barney himself was now in the middle of the hallway.

Doug, one of the other guards, had discovered that the image that the new guy had attached to his resume was just the fifth result when you searched for “normal guy” on the internet.

Not sure how Black Mesa didn’t catch that since they had Barney send his photo in  _ six different times  _ to make sure it was really him, but everyone just decided it was a nepotism hire or something. God knows there’s plenty of those these days.

Looking closely at him now, though, the guy looked, somehow, exactly how he expected. It wasn’t the helmet or vest he somehow had, and he didn’t look like his picture, not at all, but he looked... just like any other security guard. To the point he seemed almost uncannily familiar.

Barney’s eyes seemed to slip off the guy’s face, and he couldn’t pick out any one detail or facial feature. It was like he was a human version of a mirage.

What  _ was  _ plain as day, however, was that the guy seemed kind of annoyed.

“Right, sorry, I must’ve…” He cleared his throat, “You’re Benrey, right, the new hire?”

Barney cast a glance down at Benrey’s ID badge to confirm. The name stretched on and on, though, longer than Barney had ever seen an ID badge be before. His migraine worsened as he realized the name had left the badge and was floating in midair somehow - the more he read, the longer it grew. No, no. That’s impossible - he was probably just more tired than he’d thought. 

“what? sure.” Benrey said and shrugged loosely, as monotone and noncommittal as before. His intonation seemed to suggest he didn’t really want to be here. Barney understood well - it attracted lots of people with few qualifications in a dead-end job who took one look at the paycheck and sent in their application. Not that he was speaking from experience, or anything.

“Ha, our names are kind of similar, right? Barney, Benrey.. Maybe we’re long-lost siblings or something?” He joked weakly, trying to ease the tension somewhat. Benrey just kept staring up at him from underneath his mysteriously-acquired helmet.

“ok.” Benrey said, and looked away. Ouch.

Barney coughed. “Let’s get started, then. The place you just came from is the main entrance - you’ll need your ID on you basically at all times to get anywhere. Luckily, your job is mostly to stand guard at doors - verifying people, that kind of thing.” Barney said, trying to remember the exact phrases his superiors used when giving him his own tour a few years ago. “Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get some action, like a thief or something. Mostly, though, it’s just a lot of standing around and twiddling your thumbs.”

“what if people don’t have their passport?” Benrey asked.

“Passport.. Their ID, you mean? That doesn’t happen all that often, but, if it does.. Uh, find me, and I’ll deal with them. If you can’t, just make sure they don’t.. Escape, or steal anything important.” Barney laughed. “Black Mesa has a lot of rivals.”

Benrey nodded seriously, and made a note in a handbook he must have procured from somewhere.

“Anyway, uh, back near the way you came is the Area 8 Topside Dormitories. That’s where I live, and..” He checks his notes, thankful he thought ahead and put them in his clipboard, “You will, too, by the looks of it. There’s a bunch of amenities and stuff on the way, like restaurants and a pool. Only thing I’d say is watch out for Bailey - he can be kind of an asshole in the mornings, pardon my French. Don’t get in front of him in line anywhere, either, he’ll huff and sigh the entire time.”

He carried on through the door, and pointed at the coloured lines decorating the walls

“Basically, if you want to get anywhere, follow one of these coloured lines. It’s kind of confusing, but if you need help just find a map, or another security guard. This place is real easy to get lost in - I got turned around about half a dozen separate times before I got the hang of things.” His voice lightened to a conspiratorial whisper, “You know, I still get lost on my way to Sector A!”

“kinda unprofessional of you.” Benrey’s expression was slightly glazed over. Barney would be surprised if he remembered any of this afterwards, but, whatever. He composed himself again, shifting back into helpful guide mode.

“This place we’re in now is Area 3 Security Facilities, in Sector C. This is where everyone has to check in in the mornings. Lucky for us, you and me are both stationed around here, so you can find me pretty easy if you need help.”

Barney led Benrey down the hall that says ‘Area 3 Security’, “It’s a pretty decent place, I’d say - only issue is the scientists can get kind of snooty sometimes. Oh, watch your step here, there’s one stair that always gets me.”

He recalled an incident very vividly where a scientist accused the security team of eating more than their fair share of donuts, which had resulted in a complete ban on snack food for everyone for three months. He’s honestly surprised not more people quit.

He waved a greeting to the guards at the desks, who returned the sentiment. He headed down the hall that read ‘Personnel Facilities’ first.

“This here is the locker room. My locker’s here, and, uh..” He looked around. He couldn’t read any names on the locker, they flickered, and the letters seemed to change ever so slightly in the corner of his eyes. He chalked it up to his migraine. “One of these is yours.”

“awesome” Benrey said, and opened a locker Barney was pretty sure was Cassello’s yesterday - though, now that he looks at it, it says ‘Benry’ pretty clearly on the front.

He watched as Benrey rooted around the locker, which already seemed to be full of various debris (including a large portion of game manuals..?), and put the supplied helmet and vest on top of the ones he already had on. They seemed to melt into each other, and he was left looking the exact same as before.

Barney swallowed nervously, and led Benrey back to the lobby with the guards. He led him down the other hallway, hitting the button for the elevator. The hum of the elevator heading down was the only noise, as Benrey remained silent.

He led Benrey to the right first, placing his ID badge on the scanner to open the door. As the noise hit them, Benrey covered his ears, and Barney did the same.

He raised his voice. “This is the shooting range, but I don’t think we’ll have time for any target practice today. The weapon you’ll be given is just a standard pistol, it’s pretty easy to get the hang of once you know what you’re doing.”

“dont worry i brought my own” Benrey said at normal volume, and reached into his pants pocket. He pulled out a huge gun, futuristic but still undoubtedly a real gun.

“What the hell, Benrey?!” he whispered harshly. The last thing he needed was to get fired because a new hire brought in an unauthorized weapon.

Benrey shrugged and put it back in his pocket. “sigh.” he said, verbally.

Barney cast a suspicious glance at the guard manning the station, who was thankfully busy reading a magazine, and didn’t hear them over the sound of gunfire.

He led Benrey back quickly. They followed the green line this time, passing by the elevator again.

“For the first couple of days you’ll be doing video surveillance, which is in this room.”

He let Benrey scan his own ID in, this time. Luckily, it seemed to accept him just fine - a miracle, considering the amount of system failures Black Mesa had on a regular basis.

“It’s pretty boring, usually, but--”

“oh sick they got a playstation???” Benrey cut him off, and picked up an Xbox controller. Barney had never seen a console here before. Must be new - maybe Otis would know something about it.

He paused briefly as Benrey started up a game of  _ The Dog Island _ , but decided to just continue, and kept listing off the things he’d underlined in his notes to make sure he mentioned.

At this point, he was content to just ignore the weird stuff that happened and continue on the tour whether Benrey was listening or not; he just wanted to get home.

Barney watched the game for a bit in silence when he finished his spiel, and tried unsuccessfully to ignore the part of his brain that screamed about how wrong this whole situation was.

He shifted from foot to foot. “Miller’ll be on my ass if I don’t get the tour done soon - can you stop, please?” Barney asked.

“huh? what?” He blinked, and Benrey was behind him again, near the door, looking bored and a little annoyed. Barney glanced behind him quickly; there was no Playstation nor the Xbox controller that Benrey was playing with.

Weird.

Barney walked briskly to the elevator, letting Benrey in first.

“Above the security facility is the Anomalous Materials lab.” He said, eager to get this tour over with. He hit the ‘up’ button this time.

“A few of the scientists are pretty nice, like Kleiner and Dr. Coomer, but I’d stay away from Magnusson.”

The door opened with a few stutters and creaks. Barney watched as Benrey almost immediately perked up, actually  _ smiling  _ for once. He followed Benrey’s gaze to a tall, dark-haired scientist conversing quietly with another scientist over some documents.

“YOOOO TOMMY” he called loudly, cupping his hands around his mouth.

The scientist, presumably Tommy, looked up and around wildly before spotting Benrey. The other one waved at them, holding the documents.

“HI!!” Tommy called back, smiling.

“You know him?” Barney asked. He’d met Tommy a few times, but they weren’t close; Eli talked about him sometimes. Apparently he was really good at wrangling animals, and was the only one that was perfectly fine taking cockroaches outside.

“frat bros.” Was all Benrey said before he rushed over to Tommy. The scientist Tommy was talking to waved goodbye, and walked over to another lab.

Benrey and Tommy chatted briefly, Barney only catching occasional sentence fragments. Something about a video game, maybe a dog. All in all pretty normal, standard stuff. Barney started to feel guilty for judging Benrey so harshly - he might actually be a pretty normal guy.

They said their goodbyes, and Tommy waved after Benrey. Benrey sang a high note, that left, what seemed to be, physical pink remnants in the air..? 

“What is that, Benrey?” he asked, only slightly uncomfortable.

“what? you ask so many questions all the time it’s just nagnagnag nonstop with you” Benrey said.

Barney didn’t respond, and instead led him to a hallway that ended in glass double-doors. 

“After the surveillance room, this is gonna be your post.” He gestured to a retinal scanner. “They’ll call you to get you all registered in soon enough. It’s like we discussed earlier, let anyone through as long as they have their ID. Beyond here is just a test chamber and a couple computer rooms, pretty basic but high-clearance stuff.”

He skimmed over his clipboard again, making sure he didn’t miss something. “Yeah, that’s the end of the tour for today, I think. D’you have any questions or anything?”

“me and josh are going to play heavenly sword later do you want to join i got this gift card and some popcorn its gonna be great” Benrey asked.

“What? Uh, sure, I guess.” Barney scratched the back of his neck. He honestly thought Benrey didn’t like him, but he must have been wrong.

“sweet.” Benrey gave a small smile.

Barney waved goodbye, leaving Benrey behind so he could start his first proper day.

He started to walk back, when he heard a weird noise behind him, the same one from earlier. He turned his head, and saw remnants of pink.. Whatever it was, hanging around the air.

Benrey made no acknowledgement of it, and Barney, like so many other things today, shrugged it off and kept moving, making his way back to his post. He could think about it later. He decided to deliberately wonder what to bring to the gaming session later that night instead of letting his mind wander about anything that had happened today.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! :-)  
> all the comments and kudos i've received have fueled my work and are very much appreciated (i looked through them all last night when i was trying to write and i leveled up like, six levels out of love).. have a lovely day!! <3


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